Depression!
A monstrosity which could be triggered by anything, including unpleasant & unforeseen life's experiences.
Sometimes, depression hits you like a ton of bricks because one has no control over its triggers. Life can just be lifing and then bam!
October is depression awareness month and I thought what better time to share my story with depression than now.
2021-2022 were some of the most exhilarating yet difficult years of my life. I went through a devastating experience that made me consider suicide. Yes I was suicidal. It felt like the only way of escape from the pain.
My life as I knew it prior was turned upside down. The experience made me question my significance, worth & value in life. Ironic I know, but that's how I felt.
I remember writing a post on Linkedin while in the throes of depression which said "Depression doesn't have a look! Check on your friends & co-workers who seem to be the happiest, corniest and most cheerful. They may be depressed." I did that because I was she! I was that friend/colleague.
I was experiencing functional depression because I couldn't grieve the loss I faced. A loss which included my sense of self and identity. Life couldn't stop for me to catch up so I had to keep showing up regardless. New job, new country, new life!
The best way I can describe the feeling is being stuck in a deep dark well, screaming and shouting for help, wanting to get out but not being able to. No one could hear me or come to my aid.
I was stuck with the echoes in my head of how horrible I was. I felt like a fraud! Got people saying they were inspired by me but I felt uninspiring. I felt broken. I was numb! I would space out multiple times a day.
The restlessness, the brain fog, the frustration of it all can't be described. I felt unseen. Felt no one understood or cared to. On the surface, everything looked great but my soul was empty on the inside. Yet I had to keep showing up; as a mother, a mentor, an employee, a friend.
Depression slowly made its way into my performance at work and I had to take an extended time off. I am super grateful to work for a company that prioritizes your overall well being, including your mental health. Also super grateful for an amazing manager and supportive colleagues who covered for me during my absence and gave me grace!
I was able to take 6 weeks off to recalibrate, I also started therapy and confided in some trusted friends. I must say that was the best thing that ever happened to me. At that point it felt like life slowed down to give me a minute to catch my breath. I prayed, I cried, I ate(emotional eaters unite, lol), I grieved, I worshipped, I surrendered, I rested!
At that point, my relationship with God was the only thing that kept me. He alone kept me from taking my life. He made me see that it wasn't worth it and that I have so much value to give to the world and it isn't time to cut that short due to Satan's lies. Jesus nurtured my soul back to life and sustained me.
I'm much better now and definitely out of depression's clutches. However, I share this to remind us all to be kind and empathetic. Cognizant of the fact that depression is real and people are going through things you have no knowledge about.
Depression doesn't have a look so don't be too quick to judge, criticize or put people down. Be kind, sensitive and empathetic towards people you meet. Your smile, listening ears, hug, a light squeeze on the hand could make a huge difference in someone's life.
To all those still struggling with this horrible feeling of despair, I see you. I understand you. I can relate to the helplessness you feel inside.
I want to encourage you to believe that you can get out. Those voices in your head telling you you're worthless? All lies. That experience you went through that made you loose all hope in life? It is only transitionary. With every valley, there's a hill coming right up.
Find your anchor and hold on tightly till you win this battle. For me, asides therapy, Jesus was and still is that anchor. You can give Him a try and I bet He wouldn't let you down. He is as solid as they come.
I'm rooting for you and can't wait for you to join me on this other side. Life here is beautiful and worth living. I love you!
